Saturday, April 26, 2014


LOUD IS THE NEW QUIET


STOP PRESS

Mazatlán is Officially Party Town Mexico. 

MazReal Move To Kiev Ukraine Where It Is Quieter. 

Bird Craps on Mayor's Car.

Shock Announcement by Mayor 'Handsome Sal' Salvador Garzón : " Mazatlán Is No Place For Virgins."

New Billboard Poster with this warning will be unveiled at all Mazatlán Entry Warnin


Mazatlán was the New Zacatecas for a short while, now it seems mayor Sal 'Sally Boy' Garzón, his right-hand man Jorge 'El Patrón' Unger and his left-hand man Anibal 'The Hannibal' Gonzalez have designated Mazatlán, particularly around Olas Altas, officially Sleaze City. "We want our state name to describe our city - SINaloa Hahahhah." Sal said.

Anyone who lives in Mazatlán knows the mayor has been hosting back-to-back parties since the French invasion in 1209 sponsored by beer. There has been Easter Week, Carnival Week and coming to the end of Moto Week. Next week is Week Week followed by Beer Week, Music Week, Rent Boy Week, Pink Week etc etc till the end of time. That biggie celebrated by Fucking Great Big Asteroid Week . Unfortunately devoid of  sponsorship as Pacifico will already be on that escape rocket to Mars.

Party Town Mexico or Nueva Cancún as we want to re-christen it, is where anything goes and the music is LOUD. 

"We want to be known as the town where the music is the loudest." screamed 'El Patrón' through a megaphone. "Loud is the new quiet." he continued.

Consequently this will be the last post we upload from Mexico as MazReal and it's staff are moving themselves to Kiev in The Ukraine where we are assured it is much quieter. 

The Sal Decrees:

Paseo Claussen will be pedestrianised from the big flag to the metal man playing a piano at the foot of the hill on the other side. 

Every 10 metres will be a band stand playing music every night from 6pm to 6am, 7 nights a week. 


The road will be lined with food stalls, cock-fighting arenas, speak-easies, tattoo parlours, sin-bins, card sharps, juice joints and lollygaggers. 


Every restaurant and beer joint will have to host a band that plays Creedence Clearwater Revival numbers and out of tune Beatles covers at loudness level 11.

Riot police will patrol and will be under strict orders to throw people against the wall for a quick frisking and kicking and batoning if they look suspicious and are seen not be enjoying themselves. 


The streets linking Paseo Claussen to Plaza Machado will also be closed to traffic allowing late night revellers to use it as a public pissoir and route where they can shout and giggle loudly at all hours of the night. 


Locals and Gringos alike who live in Centro Historic will have to prove to Salvados 'Tough Sal' Garzón (also known as 'Tico' to his kids, '14th Street Steve' to his servant, 'Louie Ha Ha' to his wife and behind his back 'Sal The Gofer' or 'Little Sally' or 'Johnnie Sausage' by his secretary and car wash lackey and rent boy Jesús) that they are party animals and if proven to be boring old farts, they will be rounded up and sent to live amongst the rocks on Goat Hill.



 Yes, Mazatlán is designated No Place For Virgins.

A public awareness campaign aimed mainly at women is now underway to demonstrate how to 'floozify' oneself.  As Salvador 'Las Vegas Pete' Garson recently proclaimed :

"All red-blooded Mexican men love a floozie." using trendy vernacular from the prohibition era so as to appear 'street'.

One of the few women in the administration, Esther Villapanda Acosta head of the department for the Token Woman Department was told to take a holiday while the all-male plan to loosen-up women was put into practice with leaflets and instructive guides.

Ace Reporter Dirk 'Dirk' Dirkerson reports:


Instructive Guides after the break.

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