Sunday, March 17, 2013

Mazatlán Monthly News Roundup




In between making movies we still have the time to draw your attention to what's happenin' in and around Mazatlán. It is March and soon the clocks will change to allow us more sunlight at some part of the day and more night at others. It's all very confusing really. 

Guns and drugs are the scourge of our society and this month we uncover the extent of gun ownership amongst us.

Just to show MazReal is an unbiased news site we have invited far-right wing conservative  investigative journalist, part-time fascist, Ayn Rand nut and woman about town, Justine "Bill" Farnsworth. "Bill" who can only be seen at the best get-togethers, restaurants and art happenings, has unearthed and brings to you an alarming truism. An alarming truism she claims she unearthed while nosing around the bathrooms and bedroom drawers at expatriate parties - 

North Americans and many other nations love guns. 



She takes up the story.

"Pemsi, my  beautiful youthful Nepalese boy-servant and I spent the next weeks in a state of complete excitement, baking up a storm in the kitchen. I can only conclude that I overestimated the absorbency of Yak butter oatcakes, since I have no recollection of how we came to be found in Angel Peralta Cemetery the next morning, nor what we were doing naked on that mausoleum, with most of our clothes and rubber accoutrements scattered  from the main gate gate like a trail of crumbs in a fairytale. The police seemed satisfied at my explanation that I was demonstrating to the fine-boned youth an early pagan ritual celebrating the rising sun by discarding our earthly clothes. 500 pesos sent the naughty men on their way.

Back to guns. My curiosity was piqued on seeing a picture of the stunningly beautiful hero of mine, Sarah 'Grizzly Mama' Palin smilingly caressing a high powered sniper rifle after ending the life of a rabid bear staked to the ground and a herd of vicious grazing domesticated Caribou while lying at a safe distance of a mile or two."We all got to eat." she said "And us Alaskonians have got good appetites." she added.
 
Women with guns? That's what I endeavoured to find out in this tranquil village of Centro Mazatlán. We all know that our nation north, south, east and west of the border love guns, we all know men love guns, ritually rubbing themselves all over in gun oil, caressing the barrels and getting off on the smell of cordite from discarded shells and I was determined to prove that us women are equally enamoured by guns but not necessarily the gun oil part of it. And we all agree that we need a closet stacked with guns to protect us from something or other. So I feverishly invited myself to all the parties in Centro to find out the truth.





Teenager Arngunnur Maliiinannguaggua originally from Yukon by way of Iceland demonstrates how to give the person on the other end of her 12 bore shot gun the steely eye to show that she really means business and will not hesitate to take a potential drunk's head off with a double barrel of buckshot if they so much as offer to buy her a tall latte down at the Looney Toons Beanpole on the Malecón. 

"The animal from this coat I am wearing was at the receiving end of this very gun not so long ago." she added.


more gunz after the jump




Cute pony-tailed grand-daughter Emma from Texas on holiday staying here with her Granny and Grampawpaw warns yours truly not to play fast and loose with the facts when it comes to reporting on this story otherwise the little cherub said she will blow the ear off my head for starters and mess up the rest of me later. There's no arguing with you Emma!


Ol' timey Darling Dora once from that gun lovin' state of Arizona demonstrates that she will brook no nonsense from any young man who comes to her door selling shrimp or donuts. Good on yer' granny, that's the spirit. I imagine the expression on her countenance will be enough to scare off even the postman to consider delivering her post next door and not bother her. She says the AK47 is here to make doubly sure that those pesky foot to door salespersons won't rip her off. We believe you Dora!



As we all know it rains a lot in the summer and the streets in Centro are liable to flood. Here is a pic we snapped of expat Mary-Beth from Montana out in the street with all the usual debri that is washed down the road just moments after she had blown to pieces a racoon that she happened to see swim passed her front door. 
"That critter is always tearing open my garbage on garbage day and now he has seen his last bag of garbage." she thundered. "I get a lot of respect from those nice garbage men when they see me patrolling the streets on the lookout for critters. This pump keeps me company" added the tough ex-Navy Seal.


Babs from Texas demonstrates the correct way to fend off pulmonia drivers who stop, whistle and attempt to solicit business. "A gut shot from this baby will send them rapidly on their way." she growled.

"The cigarette is only for effect. We must teach our kids not to smoke. They can kill." she added with a serious note in her voice.


Lovely Kylie from Arkansas proudly shows off her dead stuffed animal collection. "Luckily I didn't have to go far to shoot these animals as they were all scattered around my bed. All I had to do was relax there and blast them at close range with by quadruple pump action Burlington Bertie handmade Elephant gun my daddy bought from Mayfair London. "It made a real mess of the mattress  but daddy says now that I have experience in big game cuddly toy shooting he will take me to the Serengeti plains to exterminate some endangered species."



These two feisty ladies Marge and Harriet from Salt Lake City stand at the beginning of the runway to Mazatlán International Airport shooting jets as they come in to land. "There's too many dang big game fishermen coming in to town depleting our already dangerously depleted stocks of Marlin and other fish-type things." 

The local police says the 'lovely ladies' [sic] will never down a modern jet with those peashooters so we leave them be to take pot shots. The chief of police continued "However if we see them using a a rocket propelled grenade we may have to do something about it. But at the moment we let them have their fun." 

When I accused the nasty little man of secretly having a 'women with gun' fetish he drew out his oily sidearm and asked me to hold it while grinning lasciviously. He saw the back of my hand across his smiling chops I can tell you but not before demanding I give him 500 pesos for the pleasure.



Princess Leia doesn't live here in Mazatlán but she knows how to handle a gun especially judging by all the storm troopers she had wiped out.


This quartet of gunslingers down a bottle of whiskey each before heading out to Plaza Machado for a bite. Wo betide anyone who tries anything naughty with these tough women from West Lake Street in Chicago who certainly know how the handle tough neighbourhoods. In those little purses they pack a pretty derringer. 

"A good little weapon for placing a neat hole between the eyes without so much of a popping noise to advertise the fact." they added. They are members of the 'Boozing Women Packing Derringer Club.' After a rowdy meal they have been known to expertly shoot out a few street lights and shut up some barking dogs and can neuter alley cats at a distance.


The women from the Turkish dancing classes practice range shooting to relax them before  the class. "We find that the sound of gunfire and the smell of cordite always gets us into the mood and loosens us up for the dancing class."they added enthusiastically.


The Garden Pest Handgun class teaches us ladies how to use our Colt 45s to shoot moles and other insect life in the garden. "As there is not much else to shoot at," they added "we like to keep our hand in by destroying those pesky insects and rodents without the need to use chemicals that do even greater harm to the environment."


The winter here in delightful Mazatlán often brings down the families of us expats to stay and it is up to us to teach them the correct expressions to use when handling high powered firearms while sitting on the back of a Jeep cruising the malecón on Saturday evenings. A serious look is preferred when holding a deadly weapon as those wolf whistling men will be less likely put their lips together as you pass. Be sure to hand those weapons in at the box office before the opera that your parents may have dragged you to!





Navy Seal instructors incognito in funny masks teach the kiddie expat ballet class the correct stance for shooting heckling varmints. "Balletic weapon and bayonet training is an essential part of our curriculum. Mine laying comes later in the season after their summer school layover on USS Barbara Striesand where the training will continue in ballistic intercontinental nuclear weapon deployment." Sergent X added "I am so proud of these  young girls who, as well as dancing to Swan Lake, are able to destroy a naughty country like Uzbekistan when called upon."


The woman packing the white pistol is demonstrating the minimum number of assailants it will take to allow her hand over her purse without a fight.

"However I reckon I could take most of them out before I hand my money over." she added.



Lil' Dakota Fanshaw from Texas staying with her Great Granma and Great Great Granpappy on Calle Belisario Dominguez is seen with her bedtime cuddly toy. "Daddy always gives me a cuddly toy for my birthday and next year he promised I could have a top of the range Armalite AR10 with infra red site to keep me company at night." The cute little lady added "That little red dot from the gun sights looks really pretty when it comes in contact with a person's forehead."

"Aaaah, is all I can say to the lovely darling.



Gun ownership is so deeply engrained in our culture even reaching into the artistic end of it. This model, whilst on a 'shoot' (ha ha ha) outside Mazatlan has just taken out the photographer's assistant because he didn't come quick enough with the refreshments. 

"This is a photoshoot isn't it." replied the skinny model without a hint of regret.

That is the reason why most fashion photographers have a dozen or so assistants. Many models bring their weapons with them on 'shoots' and they are bound to loose four or five to these tetchy, self important walking clothes horses. 

"The lack of calories puts them on edge." ventured the photographer.


"This baby will shred an entire village in three seconds." says Sheila from Texas. "My daddy, an ex 12 star generalissimo always said that a warm gun is a women's best friend. And here I have a hot one." she barked.

Sheila's love for weaponry just got too out of control so we had to persuade her, at gun-point naturally, to get the hell out of town as she was bringing us ladies a bad name. It's one thing to own a M16 or an AK but a helicopter gunship is going a tad to far. 

We last heard she was heading back Arizona way where she said the rules on owning weapons are much easier. "I got me a tank and a MIM-104 Patriot weapon system there in my backyard." Last heard Sheila was invading the Central African Republic single-handed.




Another gun club, 'The Ladies Steady Eye Remington Gun Club'  hold a bring a bottle and 45 shootout every Saturday down at the organic market on Calle Fandango. They have a stall down there selling organic gun cleaning equipment and the best organic tomatoes, 9mm Remington Rimfire shells and beetroots in town. As you can see these ladies have a rock steady shootin' arm so don't try any tomato pilfering from their stall.



Here is the reason we have to be fearful....................


These goosesteppin' gals are in fact Beijing parking attendants heading out to work. 
They are the reason we we must be allowed to stockpile weapons in our homes because anytime soon those she-devils will marching across the divide into our green and pleasant lands. And remember these deadly automatons  are only the parking attendants.

ps

You can just tell they are from some freedom hating commie country just by the inferior quality of their tights and the clod-hopping shoes that lack any form of design or sophistication.





So all you women out there, don't be ashamed of your weapon collections, even the once PM of that bankrupted country, the YOO K, Iron Lady Thatcher, went to work on tank.







Thanks to Dangerous Minds

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