Wednesday, October 24, 2012

South African Image Mash Up



My plane from London to South Africa was chock full of Americans dressed up in well ironed and pressed brand new khaki safari gear with lots of pockets full of compasses, cameras, long lenses, iPads, flash lights, portable cooking appliances, tents, emergency rations and GPS thingies. Useful things for their stay in luxury resorts in the Kruger National Wild Animal Park. Also on the plane were many Canadians dressed in shorts with lots of empty pockets, T shirts and baseball caps with a Canadian flag on the back and backpacks also with a Canadian flag on the back. They were all over excited at the prospect of seeing buffaloes and lions and thorny flat topped trees with other smelly, fly-ridden wild animals sleeping in the shade underneath. I was also going in the same direction and was also over excited at the prospect of seeing Jersey cows, little raggedy guys running around who live in white round houses, lots of misty places, underground Australian refugees, Doily Trees and baboons hiding behind bushes.

Here are some pictures of my South African Tour................................................................................

A Jersey cow leaning over for the benefit of tourists who want to see leaning Jersey cows in an African setting from the view point of someone sitting on the floor of a fully functioning dairy. It it a little known fact in developed countries that Africa does operate modern dairies and does raise sophisticated animals such as cows as well as buffalo and lions and baboons.



The 'Synchronised Jersey Calf' troupe performing for the tourists.



Force feeding the head of a calf for the benefit of tourists.



More stuff after the cut




Three child slaves demanding I take them back to a civilised country where kids their age goes to school instead of working 24 - 7 on a white-owned farm 364 days a year.



This 8 year is having well earned cigarette break after working a 23 hours shift shovelling shit on a dairy farm.


Crime is rife on the streets of farms in South Efrica. Here a violent 6 year old is demanding I turn out my pockets otherwise he will shoot me in the knees with his catapult.


A blow-up cow having the air and water squeezed out of it for the benefit of tourists


South Africa has a number of tropical forests and here is the interior of one of them


Seeth Efrica has lots of wild animals that tourists pay lots of money to partially see hiding behind bushes. Here are two baboons or somethings hairy and another thing that looks like the back end of a deer of some sort.


South Africa does have the occasional tree and here one is. It is lucky to exist as most are eaten by elephants and termites and chopped up for firewood. This tree is protected 24 hours by the South African army.




A stuffed antelope placed by the side of the road to show that this great country does have wild animals that have not been decimated and eaten on the barbecues of rich white people or the horns ground up and sold to inadequate Chinese men who know we all know will become like rampant, snorting ramrod stiff Rhinos when they take off their clothes and present themselves to their partners.

This country does have little known animals as well as buffaloes and lions eating other dead animals. Here is a very rare glimpse of the that strange animal, the little known Wire-Haired Rock Russell. With amazing speed this perky couple disappeared down a rat hole never to be seen again.


This is the extremely vicious arse of an elephant that presented itself to me through the window of my car. The other end is as vicious if not more as it has a trunk and some horns and a mean disposition but this end has its own weapon of a gaseous nature and getting this close is not recommended.


The Republic of South Africa does have misty forests as well as fly-blown dusty savannah but the problem is that once in it, nothing else is visible except grass a few meters away.


Here is a sign post and a misty forest. Anything could lurk beyond the veil of fog




Hoof Street is the main street in this very isolated, depressing and weird town called Graskop that has no right to be there and has biker cafes on every street corner that cater to non existent racist white zombie bikers.


A biker cafe in this shitty town called Graskop somewhere on a cloud shrouded hill in Eastern South Africa. Stay well clear of this town and its racist white zombie bikers who warn you to enjoy the 'twisties' safely. Here you can also buy a curious Dafrican.

A big machine just discovered digging down under three kilometers of 3.5 billion year old rock. It was later discovered to be used by a group of Australian refugees attempting to enter South Africa illegally by coming in from below through the earth's crust.


An Australian refugee looking for the way out.


Sadly they don't allow you to swim at the centre of the earth anymore. The lack of underground life savers due to budget cuts has something to do with it. That induced me to drown myself in disappointment after flying 6 thousand miles to swim underground three kilometres down a mine shaft.

I came from that direction and saw no such place. I later found out that in South African patois it means  "Shit ya is a long way ubod am." In other words you have come a long way already and it is meant as a kind of philosophical open ended joke. South African's are like that, no one knows what the hell they are talking about. I think it has something to do with pine trees.



A nice view of a picnic spot just before I shot myself after having travelled 6 thousand miles and being advised that this was the place to go to "see spectacular views over half of the African continent."




A nice view over Mozambique just before I threw myself off the edge after having travelled 6 thousand miles and being advised that this was the place to go to "see lots of atmospheric mist."

A hill where lots of people drive up the arse of trucks while being distracted by the nice views of pine trees..................


.......but these guys decided to drive off the road instead after braking then loosing control trying to stop themselves driving up my arse on the same road with the sign that advises you not to drive up the back end of people in front. (They survived!)




I was lucky enough to come upon the 'South African Crochet Tree' or 'Doily Tree' crocheted by local Africans who plant them in car parks where in the flowering season colourful doilies fall and are gathered and sold mainly in England and appear on the tables of all self respecting middle class English tea drinkers who wouldn't be seen dead without a South African Doily gracing their tea tray.

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